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"Everyone Loves Grandma (Put The Knife Down)" by Colin Garvey

the 10th track from the album My First Sing-Along Dictionary

Colin Garvey: ukulele and vocal cords
John LaSala: genuine melodica
Bilian: free reed aero-phony

"Originally I envisaged something quite different for this song, but it wasn't until I dropped my original vision of the story and came up with the more sinister what's-behind-the-bloodstained-door concept that it started to work.  It was with considerable regret that I had to cut the line about the dead cat."—Colin

Thanks to Ross Horsley for providing the wonderfully twisted inspiration, to John LaSala for rounding up all the rowdy troops, and to my wife for laughing in all the right places.

Have a listen: Listen

Everyone loves Grandma.
She is oh so very kind.
Her house is so big and grand.
There's always lots of toys at hand,
And lots of fun things to find.

Everyone loves Grandma.
She makes such tasty pies.
Though it's lovely, can't you see,
There's one thing that bothers me.
Why does my salad have eyes?

But there's something you ought to know.
There's one room you never must go:
Down to the basement with the bloodstained door.

Grandma, what do you keep down there?
I would dearly love to know.
There's no need to tug my hand,
And say I wouldn't understand
And I should find somewhere else to go.

Four o'clock and Grandma's sleeping.
She won't wake up for an hour or two.
I tiptoe across the floor,
Up to that bloodstained door,
And open it up and creep on through.

It's far too dark to see,
And that shadow's frightening me.
Now I hear the slam of the bloodstained door.

Everyone loves Grandma.
She is oh so very sweet.
She's kind to me and you,
And makes such a delicious stew.
A visit there is such a treat.

But put the knife down, Grandma.
Lay down the knife.
I want to go back to bed
Because you're cutting off my head.
Put the knife down, Grandma.
Lay down the knife.